An Open Letter to the Monkeys of Lopburi

Dear Monkeys,

I thought you were cute. You were the reason I went to Lopburi in the first place. A city full of monkeys running loose sounded like fun to me. Sadly, you turned out to be a bunch of assholes.

I was excited when I realized I was staying across the street from where you live. I was even more excited when I saw that my room was on the roof, giving me a wonderful view of all of you. However, I did wonder why there was chicken wire everywhere and why the owner of my guesthouse shot at you with a slingshot.

The first monkey I saw up close was admittedly a little disappointing. He had only one eye and sat there scratching his red balls. Maybe you know him. He looks like he would have a monkey nickname like "One-Eyed Red Sack" or something. The next monkey I saw jumped on the chicken wire and began shrieking and hissing at me as he frantically rocked the fencing back and forth with his body, like he wanted to break in and eat me. Then another of your monkey friends gave me a dirty look, crapped in his hand and threw it at me. That's when I looked closer at you guys, looked deep into your eyes, and realized that your eyes were not the eyes of cuteness. Your eyes are the eyes of horror movie monkeys.

Now Monkeys of Lopburi, I don't think that this was much of a welcome for a new visitor, and when you all began shrieking outside my bedroom at 7:30 am, I was really pissed. You are ungracious hosts.

In the morning I tried to keep an open mind when I went to see you at the temples. I arrived just as a group of tourists generously served you a massive feast that any of the city's homeless would have been happy to receive. Hundreds of you came running and began eating everything in sight. You were disgusting. I watched as you gorged yourselves, tearing food apart, fighting with one another, food caught in your beards. It was a monkey food orgy. I even watched as some of you began to eat the visitors' offerings for the Budhha and tear apart the baskets that the visitors brought the food in.

I have to say though, that my breaking point came when I decided to get away from the feeding frenzy action. That's when some of you ambushed me. Now Monkeys, I am certain your response will be that I am stupid for having wandered away from the relative safety of the other tourists, but I just wanted to look around. I took the bait provided by a cute monkey and was taking a photo - stepping into your trap - when one of you, I didn't get a positive ID, jumped on my back and tried some sort of monkey "backpack" wrestling move on me.

This obviously freaked me out. I wasn't ready for the "Monkey Backpack" move. I countered by screaming and spinning around, knocking this criminal monkey onto my bag. I looked down and he was gnawing on my waterbottle. I tried to bargain with him by whimpering, "Please get off. Please get off me." He did not reply. Apparently diplomacy does not work with the Monkeys of Lopburi. All I could think about was getting rabies or monkey-pox, but at least your monkey comrade did not bite or scratch me. Finally, I grabbed for the plastic bottle and beat the monkey on the head with it. He retreated and I left. This was a rather unpleasant experience.

Monkeys, you used to be my favourite animal. I loved you, but you betrayed me. So I am writing to tell you that you have been demoted - all of you - you vile, vile creature. Penguins are now number 1.

Sincerely,

Della Rollins

P.S. I know that it was you who sent your lizard friend into my room last night too. I bet you thought that it was funny and laughed about it all day around the monkey watercooler. Assholes.